20 Minutes of Nothing

I sit. I fidget. I realize that fidgeting does not count as "doing nothing". I blink I breathe. My eyes dart around and I try to silence my mind..but to no avail. I wonder about how long it has been..not even 2 minutes. I hear my roommate's music..I feel unproductive. "Doing nothing" is the most difficult and unnatural feeling for me personally. I feel the need to be engaged in a project..I am always coming and going..constantly on the go, back and forth from somewhere or another. I am always planning, running errands, working, or thinking about doing one of these things. I am not making a single noise myself except for the occasional cough brought about by the common cold. I wonder how long it's been. My mind is alive and I know that thinking, pondering, contemplating, are all things that I am doing, and therefore I have not stopped to "do nothing". Where is that zen inside of me? I try to concentrate on finding a stillness in myself. I tell myself to enjoy this moment out of life as a sort of mental break. I attempt to release any sort of internal pressure to go, to move, to think, to transition out of this state. I sink a little deeper. I try to listen to the sounds that are going on around me. I take a step outside of myself and try to focus. I hear the bus stopping outside my house. It screeches to a stop. I hear my neighbor park their car, shut the door, and jingle their keys. My joints ache. I need to stretch. I think about last night. I think about what everyone said and where we were, who we met, and what happened. I wonder if there's anything I've forgotten to do today. Off track. FOCUS. My cellphone beeps, I don't check it. I just sit propped up on my couch looking at the marks on the wood floor. I close my eyes. I should take a nap. My roommate turns on the shower. I lie on the couch staring at the ceiling now. I think about counting things to pass the time, then I realize that will put me to sleep in less than a minute. I listen harder. I focus on my breathing and my heart rate. It calms me down. I realize that I should do this more often.